“A big part of depression is feeling very lonely, even if you’re in a room full of a million people” – Lilly Singh
There was a game which I used to play when I was a child. Friends will give a situation we have to say how we will handle that. There were many scenarios where each one of us thought “This is never gonna happen to me“. But as I grew realized there is no such situation about which we can be sure of not happening to us.
The incident that made me believe it happened 2 years ago when I was depressed. At that time I didn’t know it was depression. I just had a feeling to detach myself from everything, shut people out. I never talked to my roommate. I was frustrated and didn’t know what to do or what was happening to me. I was a student then, as a machine I went to classes but I was not feeling anything. My phone calls with my mom were reduced, I never talked about how I felt or what is happening with me not even about my college life. It was the toughest time of my life so far and I hope it lasts like it forever. In the beginning, when I understood something was changing I tried to put me back to old-self by reading. So I took a book and read, which not only worked but started giving me nightmares. It never happened before I was confused. After that, for 1 year I didn’t read any book.
I didn’t want to talk to people, forget about talking, sometimes I used to walk away from them. I will never say that I was a crazy, wild person but I was fun to be with. Since I was new to the place nobody knew me to notice my change, I don’t know whether I was lucky or unlucky about it. Unknowingly I was spoiling my roommate’s mood also. I was in the phase of shutting down people so I never tried to have a talk with her. If there is anything that requires me to talk I will otherwise we both were quiet. When I think about all those things now I feel very bad.
So I was going through this “unknown” phase and it lasted for around 7-8 months, then the magic happened. Even now I think what made her do that. As I mentioned I was a student when this happened. So finally the college fest came which will last for 4 days with a lot of fun activities, competitions, food and each day there will be concerts by famous celebrities at night. I was not planning to go for anything I just wanted to be in my room. I knew my roommate will go so I was hoping to get some “me-time”. But one of my friends, we were never really close till that day, asked me that I should go with her. I told her I am not going and asking me to go with you is not good because it won’t be fun to be with me (I was sure I will pull her down with me rather than getting into her happy mood). There was no reason for her to go against my opinion about me, as I told we were never friends she never knew I was an outgoing girl once but still the next day she came to the room and said she had paid for my concert ticket, goodies that were presented as part of the fest and concert and gave our name for inaugural marathon. I was shocked but I was ready to go with her and I was hoping that I won’t spoil her mood. Finally the day she came to my room to get me for the marathon. Even though I was very much doubtful and anxious about what is going to happen I went with her and I realized am actually enjoying. Those four days were like heaven. It felt I was freed from some bring tied up. I was almost back to my normal self with her. We had a lot of fun in those 4 days. I was so thankful to her for forcing me.
Even now I am not completely back into my normal self, but I am no more depressed. The feeling of having a weight in my mind, the blankness, the darkness is gone. I have trouble with initiating a conversation, letting people in but I am no more shutting people out. For me, these are great achievements because after what I went through in those 8 months I thought I will never be back.
Sometimes there will be people who are ready to lend a hand when we are fallen. There will be people who will become our backbone and courage. I was a person who was very sure of my decisions, very confident in being my own problem solver, never really had to depend on others (all these things started when I was away from home, when this happened I have been away from my home for around 5 years and all I had was occasional visits) but still, I let myself lean on others, let someone else lead me for once and I believe that was the biggest and most intelligent decision of my life, a decision to which I am thankful